The Caverns - Chrono Cross

Chrono Cross

A review and awarding of Chrono Cross
By Esque in association with Mega Man

Note: I am well aware this has horribly bad grammer, and is heavily offensive. If your offended easily DON'T READ IT YOU DIPSHIT!!

Yes that’s right! I’m giving out my completely pointless “Buy a Playstaion to play this Bitch!!” award. This year it’s Chrono Cross, the excellent sequel to Chrono Trigger. But due to lack of free time, I have my good friend Mega Man to help me. That’s right folks. The Blue Bomber (he is no longer referred to this in the game because he was confused with the UnaBomber and arrested on 13 separate occasions) will be helping me write something for the first time since Chemistry I last year.

Mega Man: Hi everyone! We’re going to have a MEGA time giving out this award. I’ll explain how the award system works. The award is given on the absis of graphics, sound, gameplay, completely hilarious random oddities, and story (which is also dialogue, translations and all that good MEGA stuff!) If on Rush the Mega dog ahd hands so he could play this game! I’m so MEGA charged of the buzz I received from this game!!

K: I must completely agree MM. (by the way, for anyone out there mentally retarded, when I say MM, it means Mega Man, no a white rapper) Chrono Cross is only the 3rd game to receive this award. The BAPTPTB award. The first was Final Fantasy 7 (because I did buy a playstaion to play that bitch, bitch) and Xenogears (the greatest story ever encoded onto a CD…) Chrono Cross is one of the few games I’m willing to sacrifice my personal health and hygiene for. I’m perfectly willing to reject sleep, never eat, and slowly waste away into nothing to play this game a few more hours! This ios probably the only game I have ever played to have, and I quote “Shakespearian Glam Rock”

MM: Hell yeah muthafucka! I was so into this game, I didn’t notice when Dr. Wily and “Pedophile Man” horribly molested Mega Lad. I also didn’t notice when Tomahawk man scalped Dr. Light! The game is that good! When my ally/foe/ally/foe Proto Man was playing, thus taking away MY precious game time, I dragged his aluminum ass all over Megaville! That was a MEGA time!!

K: Haha…it sure was MM. Well, first I’ll rate the graphics, which I personally find the least important part of a game.
First off let me state that these are the most fucking amazing graphics. They are equal to those in FF8, but for some reason the fantasy style art, and the vivid color scheme make these graphics even better. The CG is nothing short of breath taking, although there could have been a little more. The spell effects are beautiful, sweet, and short. Unlike FF8, where a summon could take 2 years to complete (I swear I cast Alexander, went to my neighbors for an hour, and still had to wait 30 minutes for it to finish when I came home…) the CC summons are the perfect length. You shouldn’t get sick of them at all. That and summons are a bitch to cast so you won’t see them much anyways. (to be explained later in gameplay)

MM: yeah bitch! It MEGA eye candy! By the way, again for those mentally retarded CC stands for Chrono Cross, not Cross Country. But yeah, if I had some weird medical condition where completely amazing graphics turned me on, I would make Grace’s cat sound like a bored sailor! I mean, I would be humping more beds than Beth!

K: Great! Now I feel really unclean! I’m not going to even ask about the bored sailor bit…but yeah, the in game detail of characters is truly amazing, and it actually better than FF8. Next up is sound. Let me just say this…wow. First off the soundtrack is stunning. Mitsuda (the composer who also did Chrono Trigger, and Xenogears) has really really made a masterpiece. As always the battle theme does get slightly old, but then again you hear it every 30 seconds. My favorite track is easily the intro piece though…truly amazing

MM: well, I can hear much of the music because I’m wearing a big gay helmet. I tried to take it off once, but then Guts Man stumbled into my room drunk singing “Henry the 8th” ever since then I decided it wasn’t worth hearing and I’m keeping my helmet on. Besides, taking my helmet off could be dangerous…I mean, unlike that bitch Mario, I still get hurt when anything touches my head (toothpicks, birds) so I’m not going to risk it.

K: the sound effects are also nice. For the most part they sound pretty realistic. But with this game, Square has proved they have a great love for random jingling beeping sounds…the whole fucking menu.

MM: Hey man! You want good sound effects then play Mega Man 2!! Nothing beats a Pea Shooter! Ka-POW!!!

K: Control is also pretty cool. The battle system is very reminiscent of Xenogears (which has my favorite battle system ever) It’s a little hard to use at first, but you get used to it. The magic system is a little annoying, but it grows on you. Its like the Junction system of FF8, only your stats aren’t reliant on it…and it actually take strategy.

MM: There is also this fucked up elemental system that contains all the spells! This results in a lots of confusing, but pretty colors! Because my brain circuitry hasn’t improved since Mega Man 5, I often had seizers when changing spells around.

K: don’t worry, most people won’t have this problem. One thing that is a little annoying though, is that enemies can interrupt your attacks. And of course, you main guy is over powered…

MM: But he’s so fine, it makes up for it! Now we go onto the hilarious stuff. First off is some of the characters. Though this would normally be put under story (because Kevin is a retard) its under oddities. See, Square decided to give certain characters accents to make it seem more real.

K: it makes sense though…I mean, not everyone will have the same dialect all over the fucking globe! The amazing thing is that Square didn’t fuck it up and did a great job with it.
MM: Yeah, the accent is consistent, but still it can get really annoying. I mean, one of the characters who explains a HUGE part of the story to you talkis ina weird French accent that is hard to understand. Also,t here are sever characters who always emphesize the CHA in certain words, like Don’tCHA. To make it worse, these charactes are named Orcha, and Korcha…its awful.

K: speaking of the French chick, character design was another weird thing. The French chick (whose name is Harle) is wearing a jesters costume. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the character design is beautiful, just a little odd.

MM: the character Korcha (don’tCHA just hate it!) was wearing a speedo (or panties…its hard to tell sometimes)…half the time I was appalled, or turned on…I mean, if it’s a Speedo, its gross…but panties…I love men in women’s underwear…I remember the time I went to “Drag-Queen Mans” lair he had all these candles set out…we got a pair of handcuffs, and played “cop cavity search” all night…it was a good time!

K: excuse me while I hang myself out of pure disgust

MM: wait, you can’t kill yourself until we finish!

K: Good point. Above I mentioned “Shakespearian Glam Rock” No I am not making that up…it is single handedly the most hilarious thing I have ever seen in a video game. I mean it tries to be serious, but the whole context of the thing is absurd. There’s a Marilyn Manson wannabe named Nikki (named Slash in the Japanese version, but his name was changed to avoid confusion with the other character Slash in Chrono Trigger…oddly, they kept the name Glenn for the greenish haired honorable swordsman…) See, Nikki has to play a special song in order to save a dying village…so he does this huge 10 minute stage act to lead up to a 30 second guitar solo. Here, I’ll play Nikki, and MM will play Miki (yes, its that sad) who is the lead dancer

By thy does not knowth the song I need!

MM: you will not knowth the song, you will simply playth thy song

K: howth?

MM: music must not be forced…let the music speakth for thou!

K: it goes on from there…the reason this is Glam rock is because Nikki is wearing lots of vinyl and high heels. I must say I love this game.

MM: Where else can you find a Marilyn Manson wannabe recite Hamlet? RIGHT HERE BITCH!!! Boo-Ya!!

K: Now on the MOST important part!

MM: you can tell this part is important because Kevin write MOST in all caps…what a dipshit!

K: The story itself is quite dark. It actually depressing at times, and managed to touch me. Since the Nam, I thought all my emotions were dead, but whoa! This game proved my hardened soul wrong!

MM: Yeah, it ties in with the original really well too…no more pussy kiddie shit like the Millennial Fair. Now it’s all HARD CORE story. The kind that rapes you in the ass and MAKES YOU CRY!!! I once raped Toad Man in the ass. See, he looked a lot like Robo from Chrono Trigger, and we all know who that guy TURNED ME ON!!!

K: He turned everyone on Mega Man. The translation was really well done. I haven’t noticed anything misspelled or badly worded. So its not another Final Fantasy Tactics. Man that game had the best translation.* Whenever you cast a fire spell your character would say something like “Clouds in sky! Night Bring Rain Lightieninig! (and that’s how they spelled lightning too…)” all the while your sitting there saying “what the fuck! I cast a fire spell!! Damnit!” Don’t worry though, the game is just fucking with you…you really do cast a fire spell. The translation was also bad in other places. At times the characters would say “The quest was a great success! We failed miserably! I tried really hard and…got my ass beaten by 6 years olds! I really learned much!” When my characters said this I would cry because I normally told them to cast a heal spell.

Look Squaresoft, when I’m lying on the round bleeding to death, I don’t one of my fucking teammates to give a speech about how he fights like a retard. I WANT TO FUCKING LIVE!!! And then I want to KICK ASS!!

*by best we mean “you can’t get more fucked up than this” also, FFT was not legally considered to have a translation in most countries…just randomly assembled words.

MM: Dialogue was pretty good. Rarely did they have to resort to one liners to get by. When they did though, it often sounded kinky, and turned me on!

K: you have to realize even the phrase “Now with 99% less cancer causing agents” will turn Mega Man on

MM: mmmm….say that again…slowly..

K: ummm…anyways, everything about this game is awesome. The eye candy, sound, music, gameplay, and above all, the story and the excellent writing all make this a masterpiece. Buy it. Or buy a Playstation and then buy it. Either way, PLAY THIS GAME!! I’d like to thank Mega Man for his help. Although he’s a digusting little bastard, he knows his shit.

MM: Any time…OH SHIT! DR. WILY AND “GAY MAN” JUST BROKE INTO A SHOE STORE!!! I MUST DEFEAT THEM!!
K: Go Mega Man!! Fight for EVERLASTING PEACE!!!!!